Monday 27 September 2010

A Recipe for Sucking Dodd


Recipe for Sucking Dodd:


(Serves All Men or Eleventeen Women)
Salted silverside will do for this, but salted brisket is even better


Ingredients”
1 Dodd (Male or otherwise)
2 Eggs (Beaten senseless)
1oz Virtual Water
6oz Trial by Fire
50ml Messy Deity (Slick or past tense)
70ml Stunted Hosh
A stifled hut (Kramer or Kramer – Do not mix or pit against one another)
A couple of Hot Beef
A few edible asphlods (Stinking of Git)
Salt and a sprinkle of Black (Sickle cell only)
Place the dodd in front of any light emitting source. Mull over for 15mins. Add some salt and a smidgen of black (Be cautious not to overdo or they’ll get it into their heads like after that stunt on the bus) Place on a Dresden heat and boil for 20mins, skimming the surface to remove any scum half-way through.
Claymate the Trial by Fire and chuck one egg at it haphazardly (Get your child to do this part as it can result in injury). Stir in the Virtual Water and make it real soft. Waste away the Hosh into 8 separate glounds.
Next remove the Hot Beef from packaging and keep hot. Pop the glound into a pan with the Beef, cover and cook for 20-25mins.
Now, wipe the messy deity and cut away excess, then dip them in seasoned slain. Sprinkle some salt and insult using a northern dialect. This may take some time as northern insults can be washed with relative ease. If this happens, persist. If it happens a lot then fuck the whole deity bit off and pretend to convert to Judaism. This should wangle it into your favour and you can proceed. If it doesn’t then allow for remembrance.
Therefore, remove the so called sauce of Trial by Fire, Virtual Water and Hosh and use a slotted spoon to placate. Spell a letter. Underestimate the beef and rescue the glounds. Put all this on top of the Hot Beef and season to taste. Leave to simmer/boil or hurt. Arrange the asphlods on a silver platter and use anything left to make it look alright. Evolve.
As soon as it all comes to simmering point, put the lid on and transfer to a casserole dish, place in the oven. Cook it for about 1 hour then tilt the casserole and braise real fine (or mop up with absorbent tissue) before adding the Dodd. Drain into a colander and open a needy wound. Try and slit up a kid for better affect.
Serve with flattery and an known sense of bedraggled self pity. Goes well with any jerk meats and the sound of glass on face.
If this tastes shit or you cannot do it. Try sucking the remaining egg (Ask your grandma to show you how)

Michael Skype has Aids




Michael Stipe
REM HQ
Decatur
Georgia
30030

Dear Mr. Stipe,

We both fashioned ourselves without any thought for passion. This is how i feel we would speak if we met;
I: (Me) Great hat Mr. Skype it really helps.
You: (You) Thanks, i like people to see me as antagonistic. Do you think I’m?
I: (Me) Oh yeah, i was about to congratulate you on Auto for the People but now…well Mike i don’t know?
You: (You) Oh god thanks (gushing and fawning now) i feel great. Well done sir.
I’ve written some lyrics for your new album, i’ve gone for a kind of political zeitgeist kind of thing but thrown in loads of homophobic demands. Please write back with what you think, maybe we could put our heads together for a concept album?
I was thinking either focusing on Dustin Hoffman’s Club Foot and calling the album, “The Foot that Shied Away”, or a full orchestral work dealing with Frobisher and their rise to fame….we could call it, “Little Kid, Little Kid, Let Me In. Not By The Hair On My Johnny John Simm” the second one is more satirical as John Simm is a euphemism for synapses.
In aching anticipation of your reply,
Yours sincerely,
Tristan Goddutt

Wednesday 22 September 2010

Arbitary Angles - An Ode To Ray Parker Jr.



We fall upon deaf ears, you and me.
We run a marathon, arm in arm but there’s no one there to see.
We collapse; fall in heaps at a finish line that holds no glory.
We rub elbows with the gods but get sidelined by humanity.



I wished you into existence with a Niceday Soft Click as my wand,
I prayed for clever and sassy and you materialised. Praise be to Biro.
I bathed in ecstasy & used an LSD loafer to negate the grime.
I wandered through your mind and fucked you on paper.



You welcomed me, tasted my inky secretion and called me Dad,
You parted vulvic canals of inspiration and gestated my ideas in your womb.
You played the part of mother, daughter, wife and mistress to me.
You never loved me. You never loved me.



He came to you in the third trimester of my greatest idea,
He deformed our child with his Crichton style characterisations,
He raped our child’s beauty and intellect with his Stan Lee thought bubbles.
He stole originality from me. He stole my child from me. He can have you.



We throw caution to the wind, you and me, eh reader?
We’ve tasted the battery acid at the edge of our minds.
We die; shadows in the winds of creative creations.
We rub elbows with the gods but get sidelined by humanity.


Who are we gonna call?
Who are we going to call?

The Sumptuous Eaves

................tell tale signs of brave kids were everywhere…just when you thought you’d seen it all!
There was a fillipino boy cradling St.Elmos Fire for sustenance or a Celt preteen trusting herself with knive.
Here was bravity, here was undulance…here were the hopeful
Some pushed to get a better visual aid like closeness, others chose to succumb to taste. They soon got tired of yelling but i was not alone. I pressed on focusing only on the pantry and its rude guest, somehow my face began to garner. They gathered my thought and pressed on once more….whistful shits,,,,
The mess quarters were crammed full of Jipsom Wags and Dope Fiends. Do I have to repeat the ol’ Chinese proverbs of yester sound? If so what accent would you prefer?
Clammy Caucasian…Nitpicky Negroid…Moorish Mongoloid…..Boisterous Rape?
——————– Break here for pie…go on you love a pie… you with your puce eyes. -----------------

CONTINUE —————-

A hellish wind swept through like a hidden crate, my never ever wantoness sought out the currantly bun of the strange place. I followed with harm.

We came out.

Not the best time what with us gay boys being blamed for the worlds ills and even El Nihno being given the characterization of a camp Terry Nutkins!
BREAKING NEWS:
“Tsunami Hits Sri Lanka with affected mannerisms”
“Millions killed by Oversized Pink Tinged Cyclone”
“Swine Flu attacks US with limp wristed ferocity”
“Tommy Dodds and Shitten Pricks melt ice caps bybrachioproctic eroticism”
…..AIDS was just the next obvious step
You think highly of yourself don’t you with your glands all up….sweating and protruding under your chin..yocoming down with something friend, gonna get all infected and ill or are you just overtired….showing off in front of your friends…it’s ok she hasn’t slept….overtired? Rest your head little one. Crack off some pitted glee and sink into your proud timidness. Blind leading the blind my arse!